Silencing the Self-Critic

For the past few weeks we have been living with a very unwelcome guest. He wakes us up at 4am, and spends the rest of the day coming in and out. To make matters worse, I worry constantly about him hurting himself, so I scurry around trying to make sure he is safe.

You see, this robin has a problem. He thinks that the reflection he sees in our windows is another bird trying to move in on his territory. So he’s attacking his own reflection – his own reflection. He doesn’t just spend a little bit of time on this task. No, his entire day is spent flying into or pecking at our windows in order to drive his imaginary opponent away. We’ve decided this robin has given a whole new meaning to the phrase, “bird brain.”

While we can stand back and see the absurdity of this robin’s behavior, I wonder if we, as moms, can do the same and be completely blind to our game?

Is there any other job on the planet that invites such self-critique?

If our children talk back, we wonder if we’ve been poor role models. If our kids complain about chores, we chide that we haven’t set up enough systems to help them learn work ethic. And if they rebel against our family’s direction and moral code, we question our entire parenting style and approach.

At every turn we are pointing the finger right back to our own selves, and seeing where we fall short.

While some healthy reflection is good, isn’t it true that we often go far beyond that? We actually take responsibility right out of our children’s hands and claim it as our own. If a problem arises, we somehow have caused it or took part in creating it.

In the spirit of trying to be a better mom, we peck at our own reflection and tear it apart.

All the while, we are oblivious to the effect the continual criticism is having on our own heart and on our families. This cycle fosters exhaustion, guilt, perfectionism, self-loathing, and often depression.

While each of us has a unique part to play in the role of our families according to how we were designed and created, we have one thing in common: we are meant to be life-giving to those around us. In order for this to happen, we must replace the negative inner chatter with truth, grace, and love.

Here are 3 ways to silence our inner self-critic in mothering:

1. Trust God 

God knew you were going to be the mother of your children. He knew that those precious little souls were going to be your kids. You were given to one another as a gift. While sometimes it can seem to be one big mistake, it’s not. Lay your children at the altar of His feet, and open up your hands to receive what He has for you, and your children, each day.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

2. Allow God to Fill the Gaps

We were never meant to be everything to our children. That is a role only God gets to play in the human heart.  We are going to be imperfect mothers, and we will make mistakes. Here’s the good news – the pressure is off to be perfect. There is no “right” way to mother. Our job is to simply invite God into our space and allow Him to work in us and through us, trusting that He can parent much better than we can on our own.

In our own lack, God gets to shine. Our children see that He is the one who is steadfast, faithful, and righteous, not us. God knows what our children need better than we do. We can trust Him to fill those spaces that we simply cannot fill.

My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take those limitations in stride, and with good cheer… 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 {The Message}

3. Change Your Inner Voice

There is a direct link between our thoughts and our behavior and feelings. The war is won or lost in the battleground of our minds. We must fill our heads with God’s truth, and thoughts that are pure, praiseworthy, excellent, and right. Fight the critic that threatens to steal our joy and our sense of worth in mothering. We are the most ineffective when we feel that we are not worthy or equipped for the task before us. Let’s take every thought captive and live in the power given to us by the Holy Spirit.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Today we put up nets so that the bird can no longer see his reflection. I’m happy to say that so far he is back to living like a normal robin.

Let’s do the same. Put up your nets that guard against self-attack and condemnation, and live in the grace that God so lavishly gives each moment that we turn to Him.

Mothers, God is able to do immeasurably more when we look to Him rather than our own reflection. This Mother’s Day, lean into that grace, and drop that heavy load of criticism that you were never meant to carry.

Krista Gilbert

Krista Gilbert is an author, blogger, and speaker who lives in the mountains of Idaho with her husband, Erik, and their four children. Passionate about bringing meaning and fun to the table, she inspires others to live their lives on purpose – encouraging deep roots of connection, faith, love, and grace.  When she isn’t blogging at kristagilbert.com, or daring families at meaninginaminute.com, you will find her dancing around the kitchen cooking, laughing wholeheartedly, or racing her kids down a ski run. Krista’s book, 12 Dates in 12 Months is part of our Mother’s Day giveaway bundle and her forthcoming book, Reclaiming Home is basically my {Jess} heart so you’ll be hearing so much more about it in the months to come!

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